Frederick William Dame
Saint Patrick's Day 2013
Saint Patrick's Day begins one second after midnight on March 17 … every year, as the Irish would say.
Moonlit night over Kenmare River, looking from above Derrynane towards the Beara Peninsula, County Kerry.
Even though it is not originally an American holiday, Saint Patrick's Day in America has become one of the most widely celebrated holidays of the year. The first observance of Saint Patrick's Day in America was when the Charitable Irish Society of Boston honored Saint Patrick with a dinner on March 17, 1737. Nowadays when people in America think of Saint Patrick's Day, they think of green beer, shamrocks, and parades. So what do the Irish actually do to honor their patron Saint?
For starters, while green is worn to represent Ireland, don't wear too much. The Irish actually consider that to be bad luck. Legend has it that green is the color of the Good People (faeries) and if you wear too much green they may come and steal you away! Do, however, incorporate a Shamrock into your wardrobe on St. Paddy's Day as the three leaves of the Shamrock are said to be what Saint Patrick used to explain the Christian idea of the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Ghost).
Eating and Drinking
Food and drink are definite prerequisites for a Saint Patrick's Day celebration, but don't stop at just corn beef, cabbage, and green beer. To honor true Irish tradition, try adding Irish Soda Bread, which is a quick bread made with bread soda rather than yeast. There is also Colcannon, a dish made from mashed potatoes, kale or cabbage. Irish potato pancakes called Boxty can be added to the menu. One of this author's favorite meals is Shepherd's Pie … Yum, Yum, Yum!!! As for your choice of beer, it can't be anything but Irish beer on Saint Patrick's Day. While Guinness is certainly the most well known of the Irish beers, Harp is also an authentic Irish beer and quite tasty! While green beer is fun, Saint Paddy's Day just isn't complete without Irish Whiskey. In addition to Lagavulin, this author's favorite Irish whiskeys are:
- Bushmills 1608 (Celebrating 400 years of whiskey brewing at Bushmills)
- Bushmills Black Bush Blended Irish Whiskey
- Bushmills Blended Irish Whiskey
- Connemara Peated Single Malt
- Jameson 18 Year Blended Irish Whiskey
- Jameson Rarest Vintage
- Kilbagen Blended Irish Whiskey
- Knappogue Castle 1994 Distillers Private Select Single Malt Irish Whiskey
- Michael Collins Single Malt Whiskey
- Tullamore Dew 10 Year Blended Irish Whiskey
- Tyrconnel Single Malt Madera Cask Finish Whiskey
- Wild Goose Soldiers and Heroes Rare Irish Whiskey
Whether you prefer a mixed drink like an Emerald, an Irish Coffee, or whiskey straight, make sure it's authentic Irish whiskey! Bushmills is one of the oldest and most respected Irish whiskey makers, but Jameson and Kilbeggan make a fine whiskey as well. If you can afford to splurge, savor the taste of Lagavulin, Bushmills 1608, or Jameson Rarest Vintage. Last, but not least, you must have music on St. Paddy's Day.
The Irish love to dance and their music has been used for centuries to express everything from birth to death and all the emotions in between. Like many other cultures, when the Irish culture was repressed by English imperialism, they were forbidden to speak their own language. Music became their means of expression and still is today. Irish classics like Finnegan's Wake, The Unicorn Song, and Danny Boy can be heard all over Ireland in celebration Saint Patrick. So this Saint Patrick's Day, celebrate like a true Irishman!'
This photo-and-text essay is constructed so that the reader can view times of the day in Ireland and read an Irish story, a joke, for each of the twenty-four hours of the day. The day is divided into hour sections introduced by a photo. The photos do not necessarily correspond to the time of day.
The sun rises early in Ireland. Sunrise on Galway Bay.
Hour 1: Digging a Hole
A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
"Tell me, "said the passer-by, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Well," said the digger, "Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree, and Sean fills in the hole."
"Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?"
Inishvickillane also known as Haugheyland – "You bring the beer, I"ll bring the island."
Hour 2: Two Irishman Meet a Suisse Tourist
A Swiss man on holiday in Dublin needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?"
The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?" He tries.
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" Still absolutely no response from the two lads.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" The Dublin lads remain totally silent.
The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!"
"Why?" says the youth, "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!"
Tranquil Errigal by Derek Smyth
Taken mid-morning on a visit to County Donegal in Ireland during a period of calm. Minutes after this picture was taken the wind picked up and that was the end of any further reflection shots.
Hour 3: O'Shaughnessy Needs Time Off
Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
O'Shaughnessy returned with a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news." "To be sure it was, Boss," he replied, "I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning."
"Gosh, that's awful," replied the foreman, "Do you want the rest of the day off?" "No, "replied O'Shaughnessy. "I'll finish the day out."
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
"Bejeezuz Boss, it's even worse. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!"
Hour 4: A Small Garden
At the Cheltenham jumps racing festival last March, Murphy leaned over and whispered to his fiend Seamus, "Now would you be wanting the winner of the next race?"
"Oh, no thanks, Murphy," uttered Seamus, "I've only got a small garden."
Hour 5: Murphy Arrives in America
Paddy Murphy arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. A Texan asked him if he was homesick.
"No, "replied the Irishman. It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage."
"That's terrible, how did that happen?"
"The cork fell out of me bottle." said Paddy.
An Irish pub is not an Irish pub without Irish music.
Hour 6: Texan Visits Galway
The Texan pays a visit to Galway, Ireland. He enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy.
The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Hour 7: The Well
Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods, they come to a clearing and see an abandoned well.
Murphy said "I wonder how deep that well is?"
O'Brien said, "There's one way we could figure it out".
Murphy says, "What's that?"
O'Brien says, "We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom, you multiply that time 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance and we've got the depth of the well".
Murphy says, "What are you going to drop down it?" Then O'Brien looked all around and he saw this big heavy log lying on the ground. Next he squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, drops it into the well and they start to count, "One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three .................... "
Murphy said, "Three seconds!"
O'Brien said, 'Quick, multiply that time 32 feet per second squared!" "288 feet!", Murphy said. "Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270 feet deep".
As he finished the calculation Murphy shouts, "LOOK OUT!!!" and he pushed O'Brien backwards and a goat ran between them and jumped head first down the well. Murphy said, "My God, I've never seen anything like that".
Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and says, "What's going on here boys?"
O'Brien says, "We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head first down into the well."
The farmer says, "Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats." Murphy says, "How do you know it wasn't?"
And the farmer says, "Because all of my goats are tethered to big heavy logs."
Hour 8: Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think 5,000 Euros is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Hour 9: Englishman, Frenchman, and Irishman
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.
"My son was born on St George's Day," remarked the Englishman, "so we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," observed the Frenchman. "My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine."
"That's really incredible," drawled the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."
Hour 10: Donation
Ring, Ring, Ring!
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"This is the Inland Revenue Service, income tax department. Can you help us?"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Did he donate 10,000 Euros to the church?"
Hour 11: Could be Worse
I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.
I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.
However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:
"What happened to you?" asked Callaghan.
"I staggered out of The Invincible Pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window," mumbled O'Reilly."
"Begorrah," exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, "It's a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!"
Hour 12: The Fame of Red Adair
At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig fires.
On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. "Isn't that Red Adair?" The other replied, "No".
The old boy then said, "I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong." The doubting one said, "Ok" and they both went over to Red and the one said, "Are you Red Adair?" To which Red said he was.
The doubting Irishman said, "Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers?"
Huge crowds gather for the St Patrick's Day Parade on O'Connell Street, Dublin.
Source: http://www.independent.ie/irish-news/dublin-hosts-st-patricks-day-party-26833252.html. There is a slide show at this address.
Hour 13: Two Heads are Better Than One
An American tourist travelling in County Clare, Ireland came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts ($350), the skull of Brian Boru.
Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.
Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.
"I've got the very thing for you," said the shopkeeper, "It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru."
"You cheat," exploded the American, "You sold me that fifteen years ago," and producing the skull added loudly, "Look, they're not even the same size."
"You have got it wrong," opined the seller, "This is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad."
(Note: Brian Boru (940 to 1014) managed the rare feat of uniting Ireland. In a turning point in the war with the Vikings, Brian Boru defeated the Viking leader Ivar in single combat. Not only was Brian successful in battle, but he also had at least 4 wives and founded the O'Brien clan.)
Hour 14: Paddy Counts His Rabbits
Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.
Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give
you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you
two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many
bottles of beer have you got?
Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and
then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots
of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!
Hour 15: The American Lawyer
An American lawyer inquired, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
Hour 16: Trying on a Dress
An Irish lass, a customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
Hour 17: Spitting Practice
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm getting' closer all the time."
Hour 18: A Beauty Pack
"O"Halloran," asked the pharmacist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Halloran, "but it keeps fallin' off."
Hour 19: It's an Irish Puzzle
Doolin bought himself a jigsaw puzzle with 20 pieces. It took him a month to fit the pieces together correctly. He thought this was terrific, but his mate O'Reilly said, "What's the big deal?"
Doolin said, "Well it said on the box: 4 to 6 years."
Hour 20: The Last Word
I met a man the other day named Flanagan and I said, "You're a happy man."
He said, "I am."
I said, "Why?"
"Well," he said, "the Income Tax people have been after me for 20 years, driving me mad, to get money out of me, driving me crazy with worry. But, this morning I got a letter from them and it said: FINAL NOTICE."
"Thank God," he said, "I won't be hearing from them again."
Hour 21: An Interesting Way to Go
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my man?"
"That's what I'm here to tell ya. There was an accident down at the brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no. Fact is, he got out three times to take a pee.
Source: http://www.irelandchauffeurtravel.com Céad Míle Fálte is an Irish greeting. Literally it means One Hundred Thousand Welcomes.
Hour 22: A Fly in the Guinnes
A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. Each buy a pint of Guinness beer.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!"
Hour 23: The Lost Wife
Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.
"Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise The Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Heuston Train Station Dublin with Luas tram in foreground.
Dublin Photograph by A. Geraty © irelandposters, All rights reserved.
Hour 24: At the Dublin Train Station (It's time for the men to be the brunt of the story.)
Maggie arrived at the Dublin train station on time. Her husband was returning from a two weeks' business trip. The train arrived at the correct time. Paddy, stepped out of the passenger car. Maggie stayed in her place. Paddy got his luggage and pulled the two large and heavy suitcases out of the passenger car doorway and placed them on the railroad platform. Maggie stayed in her place. Paddy began to have a frown on his face and went over to Maggie. "Well, can't you greet me like a normal wife?" Maggie stayed in her place and said nothing.
"You could at least give me a welcome kiss!"
Maggie stood in her place and said nothing.
Paddy then said, "Look at the couple down the line. They're a huggin' and a kissin' and a caressin' each other.
Maggie stood in her place and said, "There's a difference! He's departin' Dublin!"
I leave you all with this Irish wish.
When you die I hope you're in heaven an hour before the Devil finds out you're dead.
Frederick William Dame
Patriotic, Steadfast, and True
March 17, 2013.
Hours 1-20: http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/irish_jokes.htm
Hours 21, 22, 23: http://www.swensonfunnies.com/writtenabsurd/irish-jokes.php
Hour 24: The author.
Bouquet of flowers and shamrocks: https://d3qcduphvv2yxi.cloudfront.net/assets/3295030/lightbox/shamrocks.jpg?1301508600.
 Saint Patrick's Day is recognized as a legal holiday in Suffolk County, Massachusetts and in Chatham County, Georgia.
 Adapted from and added to http://leigia67.hubpages.com/hub/Irish-Traditions-for-Saint-Patricks-Day.
(Also posted at The Obama Timeline here http://www.colony14.net/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/saintpatricksday2013.pdf )